Life on Failure

Life on Failure

“Honey, we have a big surprise for you!” My mother told me as I awkwardly shut the garage door that never closed, slapping it for extra effect. I attempted at raising an eyebrow but failed, sitting down in the tall wood chair…unafraid. Was this about my grades? Suddenly I got a sickening feeling…she wasn’t pregnant was she? That’s impossible; dad had the thingy done…EW!

I continued to stare at her, analyzing the silence and my dad just watched me, expressionless. His unreadable face, oh no. This was big. If I had known at that moment that my guess was correct, I never would have said anything. I would have run outside screaming. NOOOOOOOO! I stared between the two of them, gnawing on my lip and finally I gave up and laughed awkwardly.


"Oh what, are we moving...?” I chuckled sarcastically and suddenly there was an awkward silence. I stared at my mom with bugged out eyes and she didn't even have the decency to look ashamed; she just sat there beaming as happy as ever. She didn’t look away. I stared at my shows. I was never nervous, I should be able to deal with this, and I’ve heard it enough I mean…all the signs were there.

Dad going to San Francisco to visit a “friend” he had no friends. On business? He worked at a nothing sausage company. He showed me pictures, and said and I quote “Here’s the plant.” I stopped him right there.

“The plant, now I know for a fact that you wouldn’t go see a green leafy thing thousands of miles away from us, so you must mean a plant…like a production plant.” I gritted my teeth and he had his uh oh face on. He tried to cover saying it was his “friend’s” plant and I just rolled my eyes. Dad had no friends.

But I never thought, one San Fran cap and a week of troublesome house searches later would result to us moving, two states down, two states away from my friends. Two states I did not want have resting on my shoulders.

"We're...moving." I choked the words out disbelievingly, my throat constricting. I didn’t cry, I didn’t feel like crying, I felt like slapping someone it hurt so much. I couldn’t believe it. I normally wasn’t shy, or at a loss for words…but this was a hit so hard, such a slap in the face I could hardly breathe. I choked in a struggling breath, concentrating on the movement of my sandals. 

“I’m sorry honey…” My dad said and my mom put her hand on my shoulder, I wretched away from her and here it came, the tears. Finally, looking at their too sorry faces, my dad’s sad, my mom’s guilty I broke down.

Here it comes, the crash, boom, your plane has landed explosion. The Life on Failure signs flash before my eyes and before I know it I'm sobbing, not crying...sobbing. Attension passengers, attension we are crashing. I repeat, this is not a drill, we are crashing! Thank you! At least my inner voices
are polite...

Tears flooded my eyes and my throat choked up, I couldn’t breathe. I clutched my stomach and let out a cry I did not want to let out in front of my betraying parents.

I couldn’t speak, my mom wrapped her arms around my back and I could hardly react. I couldn’t even move except to watch the shaking in my hands and to listen to the cries of pain I let out.

I had finally gotten used to a life here, to not moving, to having friends like I actually cared about. Friends I didn’t treat so-so, like I don’t care about you I won’t see you in a year anyway and now…this. Everything I secretly feared, but put aside. We were moving…again!

I spent the next hour storming my scooter (way too small for me by the way) around my circle subdivision, blabbing to my best friend about how horrible this was and how stupid my parents were and how much I would miss her all while she tried to convince me to move in with her. She never cracked, her voice never broke no matter how much I cried and she…remained her happy self. I guess she was used to this too.

I didn’t even know why I was reacting so badly. I should be used to this by now, loss. But I guess this time is different.

I fell in love with Seattle, excuse me…Mill Creek. I fell in love with the moss dripped trees, and the beautiful forests…everywhere I looked. I fell in love with the rain that soaked my clothes and the paleness of everyone around me, because it just made me blend in. I was used to the dark hair and usually brown eyes. I was used to everyone…being happy. As happy as a middle schooler could be anyway. I was used to having people I was familiar with; I guess happiness really doesn’t last. I took up enough happy for 3 people and now I get it all back, in sadness.

I’m an unhappy teenager in an unfair world…what else is new? I was thrown from the perfect life, the perfect home, the perfect friends into chaos, into judgment, and ridicule and too cool to look at you behavior. I was thrown among blondes and beaches, tans and tummy tucks, hand sized thighs and honey suckle laughs that made me want to choke.

That’s Pleasanton for you; a bunch of rich, too good for you snobs who think they were the coolest people in the universe. But with all these cool people smashed together, all competing, all insulting, all sugar coating sweetness; it’s hard to live like a normal person. The oh, I like your jacket here and your shoes are nice there usually gives everyone a free pass to Californian friendship, A.K.A, hang out with me, look good, and don’t embarrass me or I’ll dump you faster than Hugh Heffner.

I’m an average, perfectly normal and honestly abnormal girl who has been pushed and shoved too far. I have been pressured into a pancake, and I don’t want to deal with this anymore. I’ve been thrashing out all I can, but it’s no use, like a fish flailing with a hook in its mouth. I’m already caught, I’ve already been beat and even if I manage to get back in the water, I still have that hook in my mouth, reeling me back, reminding me that I, Kay the fish was caught.

I hope you enjoy my dying days of one horrible/not so horrible year that’s ending fast, and maybe…before this is done, I can get my life back. Maybe…meaning doubtful, meaning an expression of uncertainty, antonym-definitely. Great!

Song of the Post: I'm Dying by Vast
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YStnLJ2AJQ8

Love, Kay