Slipped Away

I stared at the clock, desks pushed against the walls, students laughing and joking around all sitting on the floor as we all watched the little red clicker on the clock, knocking down to one. It was one of the worst last days of school I had had in my life. Everyone was cheering, laughing, smiling. I tried to smile; I failed.


Every tick hurt me and just reminded me when that bell rang I would go home, get into a giant truck for the thousandth time and drive off…away from everything I had built here. Everything I had gotten used to. I had told myself, to my mistake that maybe we would stay here.

That maybe I would get to go to Jackson High School in two years, and start the year with some friends for once. That maybe I would get to be happy, with people that understood me, for who I was, people that knew my story, my family and didn’t judge me. People I didn’t have to lie to and say I was ok, people I didn’t have to hide my anger from, people I could be honest with. I could be myself…I guess I’m just naïve that way, that I think I deserve happiness.

Finally the bell rang, for the last time in that school, the last time in that room, with all those people I knew with all those smiling faces. Journey laughed along with everyone else, smiling happy and she came over to me.

I don’t remember much about that day except for the pain, that unfamiliar ache…I was in pain. I wasn’t used to…missing people. I wasn’t used to being close to people. She asked me what was wrong, but my head was clouded with everything. My eyes watered and I ignored her, I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t breathe. She went on with her happiness, Journey was a happy person whether she realized it or not. She wouldn’t miss me too bad, and I was glad for that. She would be happy, someone would be happy.

I ran through the hall, unable to take it anymore, everything hurt, everything. Watching the halls, the old metal lockers, hi written on mine where I took a picture of Ambi and Tam, holding up the peace sign. Tam without her ugly Heatherwood sweater on! I ran past it all, crying as everyone yelled, schools out, summer, whoo hoo. I was crying, running, wanting to scream for the first time.

I ran outside in a hurry, I didn’t want to miss anyone I wanted to say goodbye to everyone. I nodded my goodbyes to lesser friends, and then frantic I ran to meet Ambi in a hurry. I think I hugged her? I’m not sure, but it sounds like something I would do. All I could remember was that sense of panic; I wanted…this moment to last.

I found my friends, I contemplated going after my crush and kissing him like I said I’d always do, and even as I waited, going back and forth, tears streaming. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to waste my time. He didn’t deserve that, he wasn’t worth any moment of my time. I ran back to them and they didn’t argue, they probably knew I wasn’t going to anyway. But it wasn’t because I was chicken; it was because…they were more important than Mason Bailey.

We were bundled together, Ambi, me, Tammy and Glo…all posed for the ready. I wrapped my arms around Ambi’s waist, crying my eyes out along with everyone else. Gloria was balling, Alberta was sniffling, I wasn’t sure about Tammy and Amber…Amber wasn’t crying. She was laughing, smiling; she must be used to this too. I mean after all…Ambi moved here too…she was new too. Now that I think about it, I have no idea how many times she may have moved, she didn’t brag about it, or ask for sympathy…it just happened. She was always a happy person.

I asked Tam, un-camera coordinated Tam, to take our picture, and as we waited I sniffled out the familiar sob, since my smile was hurting me “it’s on video” everyone, even me, managed to laugh as it was switched to picture.

I smiled and I felt the tears drip down my face, everything was super sensitive now, but it was like I felt nothing…and finally my bus peeled around the corner, slowly, sluggishly. I wanted it to just turn around, ignore it. I peeled my arms from Amber with wrenching sobs, I just couldn’t stop crying. All the other buses had gone, it was just us…

Finally we had to go, and I can’t even remember the last thing I heard them say, Amber, Gloria, or Alberta…any of you guys. I’m sorry if you remember; please tell me…so I can fix this. The only thing I remember is that Amber never cried, and I got to watch her smiling face as I loaded on the bus with so much grief, it made me want to smile when I know I shouldn’t.

I slammed into the seat and Tammy was just evil enough to steal the window. I threw her the camera. “HURRY GET A PICTURE!” I screamed like we were watching pigs fly and she yanked it out of the case, holding it up and snapping bad pictures out the smudged window. I smiled and Amber and Alberta waved, unwavering. Gloria had to go…and Alberta soon after, but Amber stayed there…waiting and waving all the way as we pulled out of the drive…that was the last I saw of my school, of Amber or Gloria or Alberta and only Tam was left.

I didn’t remember the bus ride, and I regretted that. I only remember the pain I felt, maybe we were silent, and maybe I was trying to cheer Tammy up. It’s just all a spot in my mind…I didn’t want to remember that pain, wondering…how I would live without them. I knew…my mom would make me forget them, maybe it was best…but I didn’t want to let them go.

But I remember this. I remember taking picture of our bus number, 9, and loading off at Tammy’s spot, just to enjoy the long walk back to my house. We didn’t even bother to call her mom to remind tell her Tammy was going to be at my house. We took pictures of everything, and I plucked a rose from a passing arch…that I took a picture under, crying and all. I still have that rose, pressed between the pages of my yearbook, dead and brown…but there…as a memory of that day.

We walked, more like crawled to my house, sniffling and crying, not saying anything. I was so sad, but so happy just to have this time with Tammy. We walked slowly down our street, not knowing what to expect. But the whole time my eyes were on that truck up ahead. I was crying.

We spent the day wrapping things; we had a videotaped war over bubble wrap. Tammy stopped crying. We were actually having fun until the horror came. Until It was time for the line of hugs, for me to go down the row, hugging and crying until I got to Tam, plain faced and standoff-ish, she looked the same as she did when I first met her…except maybe without the red face.

I hugged her, which she barely returned and with a muffled, See ya, hands in pockets she walked off, not turning back not saying another word. I felt the stab in my chest, and convinced myself it was just Tam being Tam and I loaded into the truck, tears pouring down until finally I couldn’t take it.

I flung myself out of the truck, storming after Tam and I stopped seeing her slowly marching toward her house. “GET BACK HERE YOU IDIOTIC FREAK!” I yelled, half laughing, half sobbing. It was something she called me often, a term of endearment some would say and I loved every ring of those two words. She turned around and all my fears were subsided, she was crying…hard.

Her face was red again, her eyes watering and she was shaking. It felt like a storybook moment. I ran to her and we hugged, for real this time until my dad’s honks interrupted. I tried to smile, and this time we really separated, though I can’t remember if we said anything, probably not. We’d said words enough.

And then I was off, slowly rolling down my familiar street, watching the boys following us with their bikes out the window, waving and smiling. They were only nine. I waved back and watched my brother’s face through my camera lens as he begged me in a choked sob, in real tears to aim the camera on his best friend. I did as he asked, because that voice…that cracking voice was so sad it hurt. I could see my dad’s smile fall off his face like a burnt pancake.

We were on an adventure to a whole new world, and that my friends, is where my life began…and the depression finally set in. I was a Washington girl, trapped in Sunnyvale, excuse me Pleasanton, and I had a long way to go.

Song of the Post: Slipped Away by Avril Lavigne
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxAAspHOfF4

Love, Kay