I stared at the clock, desks pushed against the walls, students laughing and joking around all sitting on the floor as we all watched the little red clicker on the clock, knocking down to one. It was one of the worst last days of school I had had in my life. Everyone was cheering, laughing, smiling. I tried to smile; I failed.
Every tick hurt me and just reminded me when that bell rang I would go home, get into a giant truck for the thousandth time and drive off…away from everything I had built here. Everything I had gotten used to. I had told myself, to my mistake that maybe we would stay here.
That maybe I would get to go to Jackson High School in two years, and start the year with some friends for once. That maybe I would get to be happy, with people that understood me, for who I was, people that knew my story, my family and didn’t judge me. People I didn’t have to lie to and say I was ok, people I didn’t have to hide my anger from, people I could be honest with. I could be myself…I guess I’m just naïve that way, that I think I deserve happiness.
Finally the bell rang, for the last time in that school, the last time in that room, with all those people I knew with all those smiling faces. Journey laughed along with everyone else, smiling happy and she came over to me.
I don’t remember much about that day except for the pain, that unfamiliar ache…I was in pain. I wasn’t used to…missing people. I wasn’t used to being close to people. She asked me what was wrong, but my head was clouded with everything. My eyes watered and I ignored her, I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t breathe. She went on with her happiness, Journey was a happy person whether she realized it or not. She wouldn’t miss me too bad, and I was glad for that. She would be happy, someone would be happy.
I ran through the hall, unable to take it anymore, everything hurt, everything. Watching the halls, the old metal lockers, hi written on mine where I took a picture of Ambi and Tam, holding up the peace sign. Tam without her ugly Heatherwood sweater on! I ran past it all, crying as everyone yelled, schools out, summer, whoo hoo. I was crying, running, wanting to scream for the first time.
I ran outside in a hurry, I didn’t want to miss anyone I wanted to say goodbye to everyone. I nodded my goodbyes to lesser friends, and then frantic I ran to meet Ambi in a hurry. I think I hugged her? I’m not sure, but it sounds like something I would do. All I could remember was that sense of panic; I wanted…this moment to last.
I found my friends, I contemplated going after my crush and kissing him like I said I’d always do, and even as I waited, going back and forth, tears streaming. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to waste my time. He didn’t deserve that, he wasn’t worth any moment of my time. I ran back to them and they didn’t argue, they probably knew I wasn’t going to anyway. But it wasn’t because I was chicken; it was because…they were more important than Mason Bailey.
We were bundled together, Ambi, me, Tammy and Glo…all posed for the ready. I wrapped my arms around Ambi’s waist, crying my eyes out along with everyone else. Gloria was balling, Alberta was sniffling, I wasn’t sure about Tammy and Amber…Amber wasn’t crying. She was laughing, smiling; she must be used to this too. I mean after all…Ambi moved here too…she was new too. Now that I think about it, I have no idea how many times she may have moved, she didn’t brag about it, or ask for sympathy…it just happened. She was always a happy person.
I asked Tam, un-camera coordinated Tam, to take our picture, and as we waited I sniffled out the familiar sob, since my smile was hurting me “it’s on video” everyone, even me, managed to laugh as it was switched to picture.
I smiled and I felt the tears drip down my face, everything was super sensitive now, but it was like I felt nothing…and finally my bus peeled around the corner, slowly, sluggishly. I wanted it to just turn around, ignore it. I peeled my arms from Amber with wrenching sobs, I just couldn’t stop crying. All the other buses had gone, it was just us…
Finally we had to go, and I can’t even remember the last thing I heard them say, Amber, Gloria, or Alberta…any of you guys. I’m sorry if you remember; please tell me…so I can fix this. The only thing I remember is that Amber never cried, and I got to watch her smiling face as I loaded on the bus with so much grief, it made me want to smile when I know I shouldn’t.
I slammed into the seat and Tammy was just evil enough to steal the window. I threw her the camera. “HURRY GET A PICTURE!” I screamed like we were watching pigs fly and she yanked it out of the case, holding it up and snapping bad pictures out the smudged window. I smiled and Amber and Alberta waved, unwavering. Gloria had to go…and Alberta soon after, but Amber stayed there…waiting and waving all the way as we pulled out of the drive…that was the last I saw of my school, of Amber or Gloria or Alberta and only Tam was left.
I didn’t remember the bus ride, and I regretted that. I only remember the pain I felt, maybe we were silent, and maybe I was trying to cheer Tammy up. It’s just all a spot in my mind…I didn’t want to remember that pain, wondering…how I would live without them. I knew…my mom would make me forget them, maybe it was best…but I didn’t want to let them go.
But I remember this. I remember taking picture of our bus number, 9, and loading off at Tammy’s spot, just to enjoy the long walk back to my house. We didn’t even bother to call her mom to remind tell her Tammy was going to be at my house. We took pictures of everything, and I plucked a rose from a passing arch…that I took a picture under, crying and all. I still have that rose, pressed between the pages of my yearbook, dead and brown…but there…as a memory of that day.
We walked, more like crawled to my house, sniffling and crying, not saying anything. I was so sad, but so happy just to have this time with Tammy. We walked slowly down our street, not knowing what to expect. But the whole time my eyes were on that truck up ahead. I was crying.
We spent the day wrapping things; we had a videotaped war over bubble wrap. Tammy stopped crying. We were actually having fun until the horror came. Until It was time for the line of hugs, for me to go down the row, hugging and crying until I got to Tam, plain faced and standoff-ish, she looked the same as she did when I first met her…except maybe without the red face.
I hugged her, which she barely returned and with a muffled, See ya, hands in pockets she walked off, not turning back not saying another word. I felt the stab in my chest, and convinced myself it was just Tam being Tam and I loaded into the truck, tears pouring down until finally I couldn’t take it.
I flung myself out of the truck, storming after Tam and I stopped seeing her slowly marching toward her house. “GET BACK HERE YOU IDIOTIC FREAK!” I yelled, half laughing, half sobbing. It was something she called me often, a term of endearment some would say and I loved every ring of those two words. She turned around and all my fears were subsided, she was crying…hard.
Her face was red again, her eyes watering and she was shaking. It felt like a storybook moment. I ran to her and we hugged, for real this time until my dad’s honks interrupted. I tried to smile, and this time we really separated, though I can’t remember if we said anything, probably not. We’d said words enough.
And then I was off, slowly rolling down my familiar street, watching the boys following us with their bikes out the window, waving and smiling. They were only nine. I waved back and watched my brother’s face through my camera lens as he begged me in a choked sob, in real tears to aim the camera on his best friend. I did as he asked, because that voice…that cracking voice was so sad it hurt. I could see my dad’s smile fall off his face like a burnt pancake.
We were on an adventure to a whole new world, and that my friends, is where my life began…and the depression finally set in. I was a Washington girl, trapped in Sunnyvale, excuse me Pleasanton, and I had a long way to go.
Song of the Post: Slipped Away by Avril Lavigne
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZxAAspHOfF4
Love, Kay
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Life on Failure
Life on Failure
“Honey, we have a big surprise for you!” My mother told me as I awkwardly shut the garage door that never closed, slapping it for extra effect. I attempted at raising an eyebrow but failed, sitting down in the tall wood chair…unafraid. Was this about my grades? Suddenly I got a sickening feeling…she wasn’t pregnant was she? That’s impossible; dad had the thingy done…EW!
I continued to stare at her, analyzing the silence and my dad just watched me, expressionless. His unreadable face, oh no. This was big. If I had known at that moment that my guess was correct, I never would have said anything. I would have run outside screaming. NOOOOOOOO! I stared between the two of them, gnawing on my lip and finally I gave up and laughed awkwardly.
"Oh what, are we moving...?” I chuckled sarcastically and suddenly there was an awkward silence. I stared at my mom with bugged out eyes and she didn't even have the decency to look ashamed; she just sat there beaming as happy as ever. She didn’t look away. I stared at my shows. I was never nervous, I should be able to deal with this, and I’ve heard it enough I mean…all the signs were there.
Dad going to San Francisco to visit a “friend” he had no friends. On business? He worked at a nothing sausage company. He showed me pictures, and said and I quote “Here’s the plant.” I stopped him right there.
“The plant, now I know for a fact that you wouldn’t go see a green leafy thing thousands of miles away from us, so you must mean a plant…like a production plant.” I gritted my teeth and he had his uh oh face on. He tried to cover saying it was his “friend’s” plant and I just rolled my eyes. Dad had no friends.
But I never thought, one San Fran cap and a week of troublesome house searches later would result to us moving, two states down, two states away from my friends. Two states I did not want have resting on my shoulders.
"We're...moving." I choked the words out disbelievingly, my throat constricting. I didn’t cry, I didn’t feel like crying, I felt like slapping someone it hurt so much. I couldn’t believe it. I normally wasn’t shy, or at a loss for words…but this was a hit so hard, such a slap in the face I could hardly breathe. I choked in a struggling breath, concentrating on the movement of my sandals.
“I’m sorry honey…” My dad said and my mom put her hand on my shoulder, I wretched away from her and here it came, the tears. Finally, looking at their too sorry faces, my dad’s sad, my mom’s guilty I broke down.
Here it comes, the crash, boom, your plane has landed explosion. The Life on Failure signs flash before my eyes and before I know it I'm sobbing, not crying...sobbing. Attension passengers, attension we are crashing. I repeat, this is not a drill, we are crashing! Thank you! At least my inner voices
are polite...
Tears flooded my eyes and my throat choked up, I couldn’t breathe. I clutched my stomach and let out a cry I did not want to let out in front of my betraying parents.
I couldn’t speak, my mom wrapped her arms around my back and I could hardly react. I couldn’t even move except to watch the shaking in my hands and to listen to the cries of pain I let out.
I had finally gotten used to a life here, to not moving, to having friends like I actually cared about. Friends I didn’t treat so-so, like I don’t care about you I won’t see you in a year anyway and now…this. Everything I secretly feared, but put aside. We were moving…again!
I spent the next hour storming my scooter (way too small for me by the way) around my circle subdivision, blabbing to my best friend about how horrible this was and how stupid my parents were and how much I would miss her all while she tried to convince me to move in with her. She never cracked, her voice never broke no matter how much I cried and she…remained her happy self. I guess she was used to this too.
I didn’t even know why I was reacting so badly. I should be used to this by now, loss. But I guess this time is different.
I fell in love with Seattle, excuse me…Mill Creek. I fell in love with the moss dripped trees, and the beautiful forests…everywhere I looked. I fell in love with the rain that soaked my clothes and the paleness of everyone around me, because it just made me blend in. I was used to the dark hair and usually brown eyes. I was used to everyone…being happy. As happy as a middle schooler could be anyway. I was used to having people I was familiar with; I guess happiness really doesn’t last. I took up enough happy for 3 people and now I get it all back, in sadness.
I’m an unhappy teenager in an unfair world…what else is new? I was thrown from the perfect life, the perfect home, the perfect friends into chaos, into judgment, and ridicule and too cool to look at you behavior. I was thrown among blondes and beaches, tans and tummy tucks, hand sized thighs and honey suckle laughs that made me want to choke.
That’s Pleasanton for you; a bunch of rich, too good for you snobs who think they were the coolest people in the universe. But with all these cool people smashed together, all competing, all insulting, all sugar coating sweetness; it’s hard to live like a normal person. The oh, I like your jacket here and your shoes are nice there usually gives everyone a free pass to Californian friendship, A.K.A, hang out with me, look good, and don’t embarrass me or I’ll dump you faster than Hugh Heffner.
I’m an average, perfectly normal and honestly abnormal girl who has been pushed and shoved too far. I have been pressured into a pancake, and I don’t want to deal with this anymore. I’ve been thrashing out all I can, but it’s no use, like a fish flailing with a hook in its mouth. I’m already caught, I’ve already been beat and even if I manage to get back in the water, I still have that hook in my mouth, reeling me back, reminding me that I, Kay the fish was caught.
I hope you enjoy my dying days of one horrible/not so horrible year that’s ending fast, and maybe…before this is done, I can get my life back. Maybe…meaning doubtful, meaning an expression of uncertainty, antonym-definitely. Great!
Song of the Post: I'm Dying by Vast
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YStnLJ2AJQ8
Love, Kay
“Honey, we have a big surprise for you!” My mother told me as I awkwardly shut the garage door that never closed, slapping it for extra effect. I attempted at raising an eyebrow but failed, sitting down in the tall wood chair…unafraid. Was this about my grades? Suddenly I got a sickening feeling…she wasn’t pregnant was she? That’s impossible; dad had the thingy done…EW!
I continued to stare at her, analyzing the silence and my dad just watched me, expressionless. His unreadable face, oh no. This was big. If I had known at that moment that my guess was correct, I never would have said anything. I would have run outside screaming. NOOOOOOOO! I stared between the two of them, gnawing on my lip and finally I gave up and laughed awkwardly.
"Oh what, are we moving...?” I chuckled sarcastically and suddenly there was an awkward silence. I stared at my mom with bugged out eyes and she didn't even have the decency to look ashamed; she just sat there beaming as happy as ever. She didn’t look away. I stared at my shows. I was never nervous, I should be able to deal with this, and I’ve heard it enough I mean…all the signs were there.
Dad going to San Francisco to visit a “friend” he had no friends. On business? He worked at a nothing sausage company. He showed me pictures, and said and I quote “Here’s the plant.” I stopped him right there.
“The plant, now I know for a fact that you wouldn’t go see a green leafy thing thousands of miles away from us, so you must mean a plant…like a production plant.” I gritted my teeth and he had his uh oh face on. He tried to cover saying it was his “friend’s” plant and I just rolled my eyes. Dad had no friends.
But I never thought, one San Fran cap and a week of troublesome house searches later would result to us moving, two states down, two states away from my friends. Two states I did not want have resting on my shoulders.
"We're...moving." I choked the words out disbelievingly, my throat constricting. I didn’t cry, I didn’t feel like crying, I felt like slapping someone it hurt so much. I couldn’t believe it. I normally wasn’t shy, or at a loss for words…but this was a hit so hard, such a slap in the face I could hardly breathe. I choked in a struggling breath, concentrating on the movement of my sandals.
“I’m sorry honey…” My dad said and my mom put her hand on my shoulder, I wretched away from her and here it came, the tears. Finally, looking at their too sorry faces, my dad’s sad, my mom’s guilty I broke down.
Here it comes, the crash, boom, your plane has landed explosion. The Life on Failure signs flash before my eyes and before I know it I'm sobbing, not crying...sobbing. Attension passengers, attension we are crashing. I repeat, this is not a drill, we are crashing! Thank you! At least my inner voices
are polite...
Tears flooded my eyes and my throat choked up, I couldn’t breathe. I clutched my stomach and let out a cry I did not want to let out in front of my betraying parents.
I couldn’t speak, my mom wrapped her arms around my back and I could hardly react. I couldn’t even move except to watch the shaking in my hands and to listen to the cries of pain I let out.
I had finally gotten used to a life here, to not moving, to having friends like I actually cared about. Friends I didn’t treat so-so, like I don’t care about you I won’t see you in a year anyway and now…this. Everything I secretly feared, but put aside. We were moving…again!
I spent the next hour storming my scooter (way too small for me by the way) around my circle subdivision, blabbing to my best friend about how horrible this was and how stupid my parents were and how much I would miss her all while she tried to convince me to move in with her. She never cracked, her voice never broke no matter how much I cried and she…remained her happy self. I guess she was used to this too.
I didn’t even know why I was reacting so badly. I should be used to this by now, loss. But I guess this time is different.
I fell in love with Seattle, excuse me…Mill Creek. I fell in love with the moss dripped trees, and the beautiful forests…everywhere I looked. I fell in love with the rain that soaked my clothes and the paleness of everyone around me, because it just made me blend in. I was used to the dark hair and usually brown eyes. I was used to everyone…being happy. As happy as a middle schooler could be anyway. I was used to having people I was familiar with; I guess happiness really doesn’t last. I took up enough happy for 3 people and now I get it all back, in sadness.
I’m an unhappy teenager in an unfair world…what else is new? I was thrown from the perfect life, the perfect home, the perfect friends into chaos, into judgment, and ridicule and too cool to look at you behavior. I was thrown among blondes and beaches, tans and tummy tucks, hand sized thighs and honey suckle laughs that made me want to choke.
That’s Pleasanton for you; a bunch of rich, too good for you snobs who think they were the coolest people in the universe. But with all these cool people smashed together, all competing, all insulting, all sugar coating sweetness; it’s hard to live like a normal person. The oh, I like your jacket here and your shoes are nice there usually gives everyone a free pass to Californian friendship, A.K.A, hang out with me, look good, and don’t embarrass me or I’ll dump you faster than Hugh Heffner.
I’m an average, perfectly normal and honestly abnormal girl who has been pushed and shoved too far. I have been pressured into a pancake, and I don’t want to deal with this anymore. I’ve been thrashing out all I can, but it’s no use, like a fish flailing with a hook in its mouth. I’m already caught, I’ve already been beat and even if I manage to get back in the water, I still have that hook in my mouth, reeling me back, reminding me that I, Kay the fish was caught.
I hope you enjoy my dying days of one horrible/not so horrible year that’s ending fast, and maybe…before this is done, I can get my life back. Maybe…meaning doubtful, meaning an expression of uncertainty, antonym-definitely. Great!
Song of the Post: I'm Dying by Vast
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YStnLJ2AJQ8
Love, Kay
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